lucky me

i'm lucky enough to have fallen in love with someone who wants to know all the little things about me, like my favorite color and how i take my coffee, who loves to see me smile and hear my laughter, who makes me question why i thought i could live without love and who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or anyone.  i'm lucky enough to have fallen in love with someone who sees my flaws and still thinks i'm perfect just the way i am.  

i'm lucky enough to love someone whom, when we make love, makes me feel as if i'm being rewarded simply for being me.

love love love

sitting here on this sunday night in the stillness.  i am thinking about life, mine in particular.  i know i've thought this, felt this and probably said it a thousand times, but when it boils right down to it, te only thing that matters, is of any real spiritual or soulful value in life is love.  

i belong to facebook group called "the three blessings".  members usually post daily at least three things they are grateful for or feel blessed by.  sometimes i struggle with three things.  most of the time i can make a list much longer.  tonight i kept it simple.  my three blessings were:

love

love 

love

it's so simple and covers everything.  it's not just the love i receive.  it's that, too, but it's more.  there is so much love in the world but so often what we seem to focus on are the ills of society.  (guilty!)  however, i bet if we just stop and consider all the love that exists in the world, we couldn't even fathom it. 

i feel blessed by love.  the love between my kids and i, the love between siblings, the love i've shared with coop and mark, the love shared with my animal companions.  

but tonight...tonight i am feeling especially blessed by the love of the man in my life.  and sometimes the love in me is so big i don't quite know what to do with it.  i never used to love so hard, but life and loss in particular have taught me to give in, embrace and experience it completely.  

is it scary?  yeah, it is for me because life has shown me what incredible loss feels like, so there is always the element of fear.  but i also know that it's worth the risk.  if we've never truly loved we've never truly lived.   

tonight i go to bed with a grateful heart for all the love in my life and in the world.  

demons

DEMONS

 i like to think i live alone, but i don't.  they are always with me.

sometimes they rest, but i know it's just a temporary reprieve. 

all it takes is one small thing and they swoop in and before you know it i become mistrusting, indecisive, needy, unworthy...all the things that make me hate myself.

i like to think i'm strong enough to conquer them and the thoughts they feed me.  i wish i believed i was.

obviously i'm not.

with thoughts of jason

"And so you see, I have come to doubt All that I once held as true; I stand alone without beliefs. The only truth I know is you."

i am not old

I am not old… she said

I am rare.

I am the standing ovation

At the end of the play.

I am the retrospective

Of my life as art

I am the hours

Connected like dots

Into good sense

I am the fullness

Of existing.

You think I am waiting to die…

But I am waiting to be found

I am a treasure.

I am a map.

And these wrinkles are

Imprints of my journey

Ask me

anything.

Author: Samantha Reynolds

tarnished glory

 

every once in awhile...

 ...we need a little alan watts reminder...

she was brave

 

she was beautiful

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL....

.... but she didn't know what that meant.

When she was a little girl

they told her she was beautiful

but it had no meaning

in her world of bicycles

and pigtails

and adventures in make-believe.

Later, she hoped she was beautiful

as boys started taking notice

of her friends

and phones rang for

Saturday night dates.

She felt beautiful on her wedding day,

hopeful with her

new life partner by her side

but, later,

when her children called

her beautiful,

she was often exhausted,

her hair messily tied back,

no make up,

wide in the waist

where it used to be narrow;

she just couldn't take it in.

Over the years, as she tried,

in fits and starts,

to look beautiful,

she found other things

to take priority,

like bills

and meals,

as she and her life partner

worked hard

to make a family,

to make ends meet,

to make children into adults,

to make a life.

Now,

she sat.

Alone.

Her children grown,

her partner flown,

and she couldn't remember

the last time

she was called beautiful.

But she was.

It was in every line on her face,

in the strength of her arthritic hands,

the ampleness that had

a million hugs imprinted

on its very skin,

and in the jiggly thighs and

thickened ankles

that had run her race for her.

She had lived her life with a loving

and generous heart,

had wrapped her arms

around so many to

to give them comfort and peace.

Her ears had

heard both terrible news

and lovely songs,

and her eyes

had brimmed with,

oh, so many tears,

they were now bright

even as they dimmed.

She had lived and she was.

And because she was,

she was made beautiful.

~ Suzanne Reynolds, © 2019

Photo credit: Nina Djerff

Model: Marit Rannveig Haslestad

your new life ...

 

the answer

do you know why i am soft and submissive with you?

do you understand that i haven't been this way with others?

it is because you have given me permission to be comfortable in my own skin

and shown me that through your eyes, your words, your touch, that i am a beautiful being.

you have loved my body as a temple, accepting all of the flaws as if they were perfection.

in doing so you have taken away so much of the shame and insecurity i've felt and opened me up to my goddess self.

you have helped to vanquish my fear of emotional and physical nakedness...and rejection.

you have allowed me to reveal myself and flourish in my true feminine sexual nature, allowing me to be a tiger or a kitten.

in your love and adoration you have made a safe place for me.

you have created trust.

and that is the real answer.