fall equinox

 

you gave me the sex that i always wanted

words that ring so damn true if i were so eloquent i would have written them myself... from "you gave me the sex that i always wanted" by Sophie Gregoire. 

I had always been looking for somebody who would be both primal and sensitive, connected to his heart and strong. Deeply present, loving, nurturing, and soft—and wild too. Sexual. In his power. 

That was you.

I have thought and talked a lot about sacred sex in time, but as an idea—because I didn’t know, until I found you. 

Before you, the men of my life may have had technique—but they lacked presence. 

Some can miss the key point, which is: doing the love making with us, deeply connected to us—in response to our opening, to our love.

...I realize that the reason our sexual life is so beautiful to me, is because you gave me the love that I longed for. 

It is because of the trust that we built together that my body agreed to let you lead. 

It is because you were always present, consistent, reliable, and sure, that you didn’t meet any resistance within my body, within my soul.

It is because your masculinity was fully there, embodied, unwavering—that my body opened so much, so softly.

It is because you knew how to hold space, accept, and receive all of me, without the need to change, fix, edit, or transform, that I felt safe enough to fall in love with you entirely—body, heart, and sex.

It is because I trusted your heart that I surrendered fully to you.

You lead, but you command only with respect—riding my own waves, like a sacred art of two.

Some men open your body, your love—but they end up feeling like a spell for your soul. You can regret later on, the openness and the trust that you showed.

This never happened with you. I never regretted being yours.

Because you never disconnected from us...And you never made love without love.

You never penetrated your woman without feeling her, loving her.

...sex is an art that climaxes when love is mastered.

Sex is the culmination of love, perhaps. Its fully embodied expression in the flesh.

The physical zenith of two connected hearts.

permission granted

wow, i love this.  how synchronistic it should show up just now.

You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t find yourself in. You’re allowed to leave any story you don’t love yourself in.

You’re allowed to leave a city that has dimmed your light instead of making you shine brighter, you’re allowed to pack all your bags and start over somewhere else and you’re allowed to redefine the meaning of your life.

You’re allowed to quit the job you hate even if the world tells you not to and you’re allowed to search for something that makes you look forward to tomorrow and to the rest of your life.

You’re allowed to leave someone you love if they’re treating you poorly, you’re allowed to put yourself first if you’re settling and you’re allowed to walk away when you’ve tried over and over again but nothing has changed.

You’re allowed to let toxic friends go, you’re allowed to surround yourself with love, and people who encourage and nurture you. You’re allowed to pick the kind of energy you need in your life.

You’re allowed to forgive yourself for your biggest and smallest mistakes and you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, you’re allowed to look in the mirror and actually like the person you see.

You’re allowed to set yourself free from your own expectations.

We sometimes look at leaving as a bad thing or associate it with giving up or quitting, but sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Leaving allows you to change directions, to start over, to rediscover yourself and the world. Leaving sometimes saves you from staying stuck in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Leaving opens a new door for change, growth, opportunities and redemption.

You always have the choice to leave until you find where you belong and what makes you happy.

You’re even allowed to leave the old you behind and reinvent yourself.

Author: Rania Naim

now

eleven years ago i was preparing to start my life over, sorting, eliminating, packing, finding homes for my animals.  i was beginning a new and bittersweet adventure.  i made visits to two of my older sister, one of whom i never saw again.  both have since passed away.  i was spending time with loved ones before i left.  i was giving up everything that signified home to me to start a new life in a new place with the man i loved.  the timing wasn't great, but i knew who i wanted to be with and i made the best possible decision i could make for myself at the time. 

at the end of september 2009 my car was packed, my goodbyes were spoken and i hit the highway.  during my drive to my destination i had time to think about the past and i cried a lot because life seemed so bittersweet.  but i didn't let the naysayers stop me.  i knew what i had to do and that this wasn't about them, it was about me.  i had to be strong, determined and do what mattered most to me.  this was not out of selfishness as some chose to believe.  the journey i was taking, both literally and philosophically speaking, was about my own survival and securing my needs.

often i've heard myself say i regretted moving into a new life so quickly, not giving myself more time, but the truth us, i could have done so.  but it was harder to stay than to go.  so i went.  looking back in recent days i now forfeit the idea of that regret.  i put myself exactly where i belonged and where i needed to be at the time.  without that experience i would have never learned what i was capable of then and now.  if i had never seized the opportunity to be loved and to love again, i would be a different person now.  and because of it, i am a different person now.  

now i am a single, independent woman.  i have lived that way for the past three and a half years.  it hasn't been easy, but somehow i always saw this and yearned for it over the years.  it's not all it's cracked up to be at times but it's not bad.  i actually rather like my freedom.  i just happen to get caught up in missing the love and intimate connection two people can share.  that said, i have followed that desire more than once, only to end up feeling the worse for wear.  do i still want this?  absolutely!  but i want it to be real, not a "i'll see you when i can" relationship.  i want it to matter.  i want it and me to matter enough.  i want to be chosen and, as archaic as it may sound, i want to be claimed.  if i can't have that, then it's not worth it, no matter how deeply i care for another.  i have to live my life by my standards.  it's not that i'm not flexible, but i can no longer sacrifice myself for a fraction of what i truly want.  that is the clarity the last few years have given me. 

i am at a place where i will accept and live my life now, even if it's not exactly how i wish it would be.  i will not beg for love or attention or accept less than i or anyone deserves.  i have learned in the past two years what great love and desire feel like.  i have experienced how much i am capable of giving and receiving.  i have learned this is the love i want in my life, but if it's not mine to have then i will take this life i've created for myself and make the best of things without it.  

i am done trying to convince anyone of my worth in their life or to earn a place in it.

i am no longer waiting for the time to be right.  the time is always now.  

i am no longer clenching my hands or my heart.  i am letting go of the things i have no control over.

i am no longer waiting for someone to complete me.  i am complete as i am.

i am no longer waiting for understanding.  i understand myself.

i am no longer waiting for forgiveness.  i forgive myself.

i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i believe it already has and i am surviving and i will continue to survive.  (my record so far is 100% despite the odds)

it's just like me

 

true story

 

untitled

no one person

no one place

no one thing

can take my darkness away.

i know this now

my mind plays tricks on me

my heart shatters

my tears stream

and it is because of me.

i have caused myself to be undone.

i just ask that if you love me

you love all of me,

the dark and the light

my light exists 

because of my darkness.

if you see beauty in me 

it is because of my brokenness.

if you see wisdom in me

it is because of my foolhardiness.

if you see strength in me

it is due to my tenderness.

no, i do not expect you to mend me

nor will i ask you to save me.

my only request is that you love me

and perhaps someday hold me again.

smrc 9-18-20

just for today

just for today

i will let go of any hurt, anger or confusion.

i will not cast blame 

or seek to change anything or anyone

but instead accept my life 

as if i've deliberately chosen every experience

to be where i am in this moment.

i will not seek peace but instead

i will be peace.

i will see beyond the illusion of brokenness

and trust that i am whole and complete

just as i am

without the need for another's love

because i am love.

i will let go of all my judgements

towards myself and others

forgive my transgressors

but more importantly forgive myself.

just for today

i will give myself grace.   

smrc

9-18-20

in the morning

 

where magic happens

 

thoughts after the storm

the process of letting go is obviously hard for me, but i feel better after having ranted in prose last night.  i remember back in the day people practiced primal scream therapy.  maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.  we have all these pent up emotions and the need to express them.  

when i lived in the country, away from neighbors with just the woods and fields around, i could go outside and scream if the need to do so presented itself.  we all have that need to release what we're feeling but we think we have to act so damn civilized...and we do.  it's that or end up in the psyche ward because someone called the police on us, right?  after coop died i remember walking the road and the corn rows in the middle of the night, soul searching, talking to the "is", trying to find my way in unfamiliar emotional territory.  the freedom of space and the cover of darkness and solitude helped to give me clarity at that time.  

i don't want these feelings.  and all the "think positive" bullshit is just that, bullshit.  so, i'm just trying to figure it all out, process, not so much hide or repress my feelings, but become the observer of them.  i told my therapist i needed to understand myself, why i am how i am and how i can find peace with myself and my life as it is because it actually is what it is. 

i don't want to push people away but i think that's what i do.  i don't want to be a victim to love, but that's what i've become.  so, i think the best thing for me right now is to be alone.  and if i am literally alone now or for the rest of my life, be accepting of that.  and by alone i don't mean living alone, i mean being without the sacredness of an intimate relationship as well as distant from others.  maybe 2020 is just a practice run to help me get it right.  i really like the freedom of living alone, doing as i please even if that entails nothing.  i can eat, sleep, watch tv, read, cook, create, come and go and everything else, as i please.  no schedule and no obligation with the exception of the dogs.  that doesn't mean i don't want an intimate, meaningful relationship or to feel like i matter most to someone.    

it's ironic that i have always felt alone even when surrounded by people and in a relationship.  well, until i met someone truly compatible, someone i felt really got it and got me...which would explain why this feels so difficult right now.  he says he wants to "be there" for me.  trouble is, he really can't be.  given the circumstances that's pretty impossible.  can i call him?  no.  can i see him?  no.  can we be together when we want?  no.  can he truly be there for each other?  no.  there is no freedom or "being there" in the way things are.   there has only been fleeting moments that have left us wanting more.   i don't think wanting these things is wanting too much.  it's not.  we all want that.  sooooo, back to my previous words, i need to accept my life how it is because things may never change.  i need to to cut the cord that tethers me to him and to hope, because that is why i struggle with my own worth and why i struggle on a daily basis.  i am tired of time and my life slipping by and to quote leonard cohen, "waiting for the miracle to come".