at 45

at 45

you have been witness to 

16,447 sunsets.

when will you be done

with playing small

when there is so much love

and so many more sunsets

awaiting you?

12/13/2009

like winter solstice

some days

if i listen to my heart

i want to be kind to myself,

to not get lost in the maze of confusion,

to do what's best and right for me.

to put the past behind me

and live more fully now.

i'm trying

but my mind is always fearful

of all the what ifs,

concerned with the future

and how that looks.

i want to step outside this fear,

to experience and trust

each moment as t comes.

i want to be free.

i want to follow my heart

and stop worrying and wondering

what all or any of it means,

to stop limiting myself,

to step out of this quagmire of confusion

and walk on solid ground,

but nothing is ever certain, is it?

no, nothing is ever certain.

there are no promises,

no guarantees,

no tomorrows,

there is only now.

i should know this well by now.

it seems the only time

i feel present, 

the only time i am truly in my heart space,

the only time i am truly happy

is when i love

and know i'm loved

 in the presence of the one i love.

without love

i am lost.

this is what my heart tells me,

what my heart cries out for;

to love and be loved.

when i ask my heart,

what do i want?

what is the purpose of it all?

what makes me feel alive?

what completes me?

it answers,

"love, only love".

12/3/2019

Growing Up a Female Baby Boomer - a Brief Account

my recent essay on Elephant Journal can be found here

I Know What I Want...

and until then I will remain alone.

You see,

I want a man who will fight to keep me-

a golden hearted prince

who recognizes the truth-

that he can't picture his life without me.

A man who will love my darkness

as much as my light,

who doesn't expect perfection

any more than I do,

but will love me simply because I'm me.

I want a man who will understand

how great a gift my love is

and how I compliment his life.

I want a man I can love and nourish,

who wants to learn and explore

every aspect of each other

and grow our relationship,

a man who will be strong enough

to stand in awe of my femininity and strength

and gentle enough to cherish

the vulnerable child in me.

I don't want just any man.

No, I want a man who gives me

reasons to smile, makes me laugh,

and dives into the depths

of passion and pleasure with me.

That man will understand

the gift of my love and choose me

because.that man will realize 

I am the end of his search for completeness

and he is the end of mine.

Until then I will remain alone.

(c)s.cooper

11-29-2019

this

Sad Lisa

She finds herself dwelling with the darkness

more so as days pass

and life grows shorter.

And she finds it to be true

that if you dwell somewhere

long enough

it becomes comfortable...

it becomes home.

She is aware it might be

beneficial

to try and save herself,

to somehow lift herself

up and out

of this mental mire,

but her arms have grown weak

and her heart weary.

She's told one has to save oneself,

but she's not so sure that's true.

If arms reached out

she might, too.

(c)s.cooper

11-24-2019

dark moon

no title

how sad that i count the passage of time

by each monday i take the garbage to the curb.

s.cooper

11-23-2019

a very good place

this is my space, the place i most frequently find myself returning to.

this is where i park it first thing in the morning and last at night, where I ponder life, love, my past, present and future.  it's where i most frequently spill my guts, sometimes on the keyboard, sometimes into the air.  this is the place where i communicate with both the living and the dead. 

often it's where i find myself eating my meals, drinking my coffee and smoking too much, where i like getting high and laughing ridiculously over some crazy shit i've read.  this is also the place where i cry the most.  not in bed, not in the shower, not in my easy chair, but here. this is where my feelings get processed, where the mourning takes place and any healing to be found occurs. 

here is where i am surrounded by music and books, memories and hopes and endless questions.  this is where i'm able to kick back, prop up my feet and let my mind wander and wonder for better or worse. 

this is where i find grace and strength and the courage to keep going when i'd rather not, where i gather my thoughts, find my voice and unearth my authentic self.

11-16-2019