some days

if i listen to my heart

i want to be kind to myself,

to not get lost in the maze of confusion,

to do what's best and right for me.

to put the past behind me

and live more fully now.

i'm trying

but my mind is always fearful

of all the what ifs,

concerned with the future

and how that looks.

i want to step outside this fear,

to experience and trust

each moment as t comes.

i want to be free.

i want to follow my heart

and stop worrying and wondering

what all or any of it means,

to stop limiting myself,

to step out of this quagmire of confusion

and walk on solid ground,

but nothing is ever certain, is it?

no, nothing is ever certain.

there are no promises,

no guarantees,

no tomorrows,

there is only now.

i should know this well by now.

it seems the only time

i feel present, 

the only time i am truly in my heart space,

the only time i am truly happy

is when i love

and know i'm loved

 in the presence of the one i love.

without love

i am lost.

this is what my heart tells me,

what my heart cries out for;

to love and be loved.

when i ask my heart,

what do i want?

what is the purpose of it all?

what makes me feel alive?

what completes me?

it answers,

"love, only love".

12/3/2019

Growing Up a Female Baby Boomer - a Brief Account

my recent essay on Elephant Journal can be found here

I Know What I Want...

and until then I will remain alone.

You see,

I want a man who will fight to keep me-

a golden hearted prince

who recognizes the truth-

that he can't picture his life without me.

A man who will love my darkness

as much as my light,

who doesn't expect perfection

any more than I do,

but will love me simply because I'm me.

I want a man who will understand

how great a gift my love is

and how I compliment his life.

I want a man I can love and nourish,

who wants to learn and explore

every aspect of each other

and grow our relationship,

a man who will be strong enough

to stand in awe of my femininity and strength

and gentle enough to cherish

the vulnerable child in me.

I don't want just any man.

No, I want a man who gives me

reasons to smile, makes me laugh,

and dives into the depths

of passion and pleasure with me.

That man will understand

the gift of my love and choose me

because.that man will realize 

I am the end of his search for completeness

and he is the end of mine.

Until then I will remain alone.

(c)s.cooper

11-29-2019

this

Sad Lisa

She finds herself dwelling with the darkness

more so as days pass

and life grows shorter.

And she finds it to be true

that if you dwell somewhere

long enough

it becomes comfortable...

it becomes home.

She is aware it might be

beneficial

to try and save herself,

to somehow lift herself

up and out

of this mental mire,

but her arms have grown weak

and her heart weary.

She's told one has to save oneself,

but she's not so sure that's true.

If arms reached out

she might, too.

(c)s.cooper

11-24-2019

dark moon

no title

how sad that i count the passage of time

by each monday i take the garbage to the curb.

s.cooper

11-23-2019

a very good place

this is my space, the place i most frequently find myself returning to.

this is where i park it first thing in the morning and last at night, where I ponder life, love, my past, present and future.  it's where i most frequently spill my guts, sometimes on the keyboard, sometimes into the air.  this is the place where i communicate with both the living and the dead. 

often it's where i find myself eating my meals, drinking my coffee and smoking too much, where i like getting high and laughing ridiculously over some crazy shit i've read.  this is also the place where i cry the most.  not in bed, not in the shower, not in my easy chair, but here. this is where my feelings get processed, where the mourning takes place and any healing to be found occurs. 

here is where i am surrounded by music and books, memories and hopes and endless questions.  this is where i'm able to kick back, prop up my feet and let my mind wander and wonder for better or worse. 

this is where i find grace and strength and the courage to keep going when i'd rather not, where i gather my thoughts, find my voice and unearth my authentic self.

11-16-2019

  

thursday thoughts - need, desire, happiness

the first words out of my mouth this morning were, "i'm really sick of myself". 

sick of...

not being willing to completely accept my life as it is, living on hope of a future that may never exist, thinking that life has more to offer me at this point,  thinking i can be loved the way i want to be and love to the extent i want...thinking, thinking, thinking and realizing how unfair it would be of me to expect anything from anyone. 

life has shown me time and again that i'm on my own.  maybe i'm meant to be.  seems reasonable since every time it gives me one life, it's taken it away and i am forced to start over again.  that's no to say i haven't grown from those experiences, but...

i'm so very tired of the tears that still come all too often.  life has taught me a lot of things, broken me open, made me appreciate, feel and love more easily and deeply because i've experienced how fleeting the moments are and how quickly everything can change.  it has caused me to be be fearful as well. 

so what am i afraid of?  i'm afraid that this is all there is and all that's left and it won't get any better.  i'm afraid i'll never be loved again like i want to be loved, that i got my share and that's all i get.  i'm afraid this is my life from here on out.  and i'm afraid i'll never move past this need to matter more or this desire to want more.

so many see this strong, capable woman when they look at me.  i sometimes think they see a woman who doesn't need anything or anyone, someone that can manage quite well on her own.  i'm kind of that woman because i've had to be.  i can manage, i am strong and i have to be.  but do they see the scared and scarred creature inside me who feels lost and empty at times, the someone who needs love and reassurance and the strength of another when she feels weak?  do they see how i crave intimacy and arms to hold me and someone i can love and nurture?

i don't suppose it matters what anyone sees or even what i need.  really, does it matter?  this is life, this is my life and maybe i just have to accept it for what it is. i mean, what choice do i have?  i have tried to make it more, to find fulfillment in myself.  i have filled my days with busyness, i have learned to enjoy the freedom i have.  i'm not averse to solitude, i need it, but that does not take away from the fact that we all need more, that as humans we crave companionship and intimacy.  we are hard wired for it as a way to ensure our continued existence on the planet. we are always seeking intimate fulfillment with another whether we care to admit it or not. 

i guess the irony of it all is that i want and need what everyone on the planet wants and needs.  there is a deep seated need in me to feel complete, and without love, without my intimate companion, i feel incomplete.  that is the gist of it.  i feel incomplete.  maybe i always will and maybe i'll always struggle with that. 

---------------

as i sit here in a (now) less emotional state, contemplating what i've written and whether i should post it or not, my thoughts continue...what do i want?  i mean in detail, what the fuck do i want? 

i want to be and feel loved and adored.  i'm lucky enough to know what that feels like and i don't want to live without it. 

i want to give love and adoration.  it seems to be an essential need in me.

i want joyful moments.  as many as i can get.  i understand that happiness and joy are not perpetual. they come and go and the best one can hope for is contentment.  i'm ok with that, but to have joyful moments shared with someone you love...priceless.

i want incredible sex (as often as i want).  i don't want mediocre.  if it's not with a caring, sensual, passionate lover who wants to please and experience the best, who brings out the best in me, what's the point?

i want to know someone has my back because i'll have theirs.

i want a relationship in which all of these things exist and are nurtured.  And i want these things because to me they are the things in life that give it meaning.  

after his journey into the wild Christopher McCandless discovered that, "Happiness is only real when shared".  i have always remembered that quote because it resonates truth in me.  we can have all manner of things happen in our lives, wonderful things, accomplishments, but if we have no one to share that joy or adventure or happiness with, what meaning does it really have?  does it even matter?

11-14-2019

words of wisdom