just a reminder

sometimes i cry when we're together...

...because you get me and i get you.  we know each other on such a deep and intimate level and we seek to know and understand more.

...because I see such tenderness and love in your eyes, yet in moments of passion, the hunger.

...because you show up, remain present and allow yourself to be free and vulnerable with me.

i cry because i  feel so very loved and safe, knowing i can be vulnerable as well and that you'll never run from my tears.  instead you will remain and hold me.

i cry because the connection we feel and experience is so incredibly beautiful and real.   i feel so much that it can't be contained so it runs down my cheeks in the form of tears.

with you i let go and find myself in a mystical place where time slows and magic happens.

sometimes i cry when we're together simply because we are together.

on a country road

i can't tell you how many times i walked this road. sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the wee hours of night. sometimes to visit a neighbor, sometimes to clear my head, sometimes to simply commune with nature.

5 years ago today my daughter took this photo looking west on township road 1210 in ashland county. this is where coop and i lived (twice!) and later she lived, and where my kids were primarily raised. our house can't be seen in the photo. it was an old 2 story farm house on the right side of the road, on the curve.

it was not uncommon to see deer frolicking in the field to the left or crossing through our yard to the gully and creek behind the house. that was where they gathered for a drink of water and to rest, out of sight to passers by, yet i could always see them from my kitchen window. often i would watch a flock of wild turkey wander through or a mamma turkey leading her young ones up the road.

life has changed and changed me a lot, but so many of the memories i treasure most were made while living on this country road.

nailed it!

a note from The Captain who nails it just about every time.

now

here they stand one year later

on the precipice

no longer questioning

all it is is 

or what it is

and neither knows

where it goes

  but it goes

and grows

in caring 

  sharing

   deeper 

    stronger

much sweeter the hunger

(c)s.cooper

10-2-19

3 days in october

she waits

anticipating his return

and all the wonder he brings

to her quiet world

electric currents run through her

the secrets of her body

she holds tightly

to be shared only with him

theirs is a spiritual journey

of passion and play

of love and romance

known only to them

it will leave them

filled and emptied

it will leave them

healed and broken

yet they will return

over and over

to feel, to love, to know

the only truth there is

(c)s.cooper

10-8-19

sometimes she roars

often kind   mostly sweet

patient and understanding

that's what people see

and who i am   most basically

but sometimes

I WANT TO RIP THE FUCKING BANDAID OFF

LET LOOSE MY SOUL IN RAGE...

but a tantrum's not appropriate

at this point or this age

so i stifle it or shed some tears

or pretend that it's ok

i tell myself, “accept it,

there is no other way”

why   when it's so obvious

do we deny our need?

why   when we are hungry

do we leave our souls to bleed?

so... 

FUCK ME AND FUCK YOU

AND FUCK THIS WORLD WE'RE IN

I WANT TO LIVE WHAT'S REAL...

not what could have been

(c)s.cooper

9-29-19

all these things and more

allow me

to be your oxygen when you are drowning

in self doubt and confusion,

your compass when wandering lost

in a world of illusion.

allow me

to be the rain that nourishes

when the path you walk is dry and parched,

the moon that shines for you

on the dark nights of your soul.

allow me

to be your pleasure and release

when the fire within rises high,

threatening to engulf you

needs quenched.

allow me

to quite simply,

quite fully,

quite exquisitely

love you.

(c)s.cooper

9-22-19

autumnal equinox

Is It Asking Too Much?

Must I shut myself off from the world to stop caring, stop trusting, stop wanting, stop feeling?

I would like that to be possible because life has torn me to shreds and I am tired...tired of hurting, tired of needing and wanting and so very tired of being strong all the time.

People tell me I am lonely. They are mistaken. I have always liked my own company and time to myself. I like being on my own. I like my freedom. I simply don't like being alone when my need for passion or understanding or a shoulder to cry on breaks through.

Is it wrong to want someone in my life who wants to be there for me when I need them, who wants to adore me, comfort me, satisfy me and make me laugh? I give these things. It is who I am and how I am.

Is it crazy to be a strong, independent woman with the heart of a little girl who is tired of hurting and sometimes just wants someone to hold her and help her feel safe when fear and insecurities loom? Is it wrong to want to feel loved and desired and to be satisfied in the arms of a lover who can make her feel like she is a goddess deserving of his worship?

If it's wanting too much, if it's asking too much, then why am I cursed with what seems to be these innate desires?

FOLLOW UP (9-18-19):

The words above were written quite some time ago. I can't even say for sure when. Then J came along and he revealed himself to be all of these things to me. All of them. The only problem was and is, he is married. How unfair, I thought. But if I step back, I realize that like me, without his experience in a lengthy relationship that wasn't and still isn't satisfying his own similar needs, how could he fully recognize all he is wanting and missing in his own life?

So here we are, two like souls on the same path of seeking fulfillment in a relationship while wanting our freedom and independence. I have attained mine through unforeseen circumstance while he is striving to find his way to his. And somehow the fates have conspired to bring us together to give us both a taste of our heart's desires and the opportunity to decide what we'll do with it. Will we embrace and claim this gift? Or will we forgo the risk and settle for what we have become accustomed to, receding back, accepting our lives as they were prior, left wondering and wandering, simply biding our time until time runs out?

I believe that we have all lived other lives here (or according to quantum theory, are living them simultaneously in other dimensions) and that as we travel through these various lifetimes, we are destined to reconnect to those we have had relationships with in other lives. And so, when two people meet and both feel a strong connection and recognition on so may levels, when we feel this person gets us and we get them, when we seem to fit together perfectly, maybe it is a reunion. Perhaps it's our destiny to be reunited with our twin flame and soul mate. Or maybe that's all malarky or fantastical thinking and I'm just a little crazy. But if it is and I am, why does it feel so real, so true? I don't have the answers, but I think my explanation is as good as any and to me it feels as close to truth as anything could.

Have you ever felt really close to someone? So close that you can’t understand why you and the other person have two separate bodies, two separate skins? – Nancy Garden

Soul mates are those that we’ve known many lifetimes, have had many karmic contracts with, and with whom we have resolved conflicts. Marriage partners may or may not be soul mates...With true soul mates, there is no struggle. What’s left over is love. – Karen M. Black

within me

(c)s.cooper

9-16-29019

bring the rain

(c)s.cooper
2019