it is nearing my 67th birthday. i'm not sure how i feel about this. part of me is mourning the passage of time and how little seems to be left considering most of my life is now behind me. in my mind i have always told myself i'll live to be a ripe old age of 88. in reality i know the odds of that a slim considering my health issues. the other part of me is grateful for the time i have had and have left and that i am still capable of looking after myself and having somewhat of a life, although not quite the one i would like.
i mourn the life i knew at one time...the country life, growing my own produce and living more naturally and happily. i know i can never go back and in some ways i wouldn't want to. but i get down because there are things i cannot do alone. things i want to do. i sometimes feel i have no support, no one to help. well actually that's not a feeling, that's the truth of it. and i often don't mind being alone. in fact i sometimes prefer it. but i don't like feeling alone. i admit, there are times when i greatly miss having a partner to not just share the load, but to feel supported.
tonight i felt as if i were mourning my past life, my current life, those i have lost in life and those i'm on the verge of losing. it doesn't help that covid is still a major factor in outings and living in a small town offers little of interest. maybe i'm just focusing on the negative tonight. all i know is i feel overwhelmed and dismal. all i want to do is eat, cry and smoke a cigarette. the latter i won't do but not doing it is why i've gained wait and gaining weight is why i'm hating on myself.
i want this coming birthday week to be a good one, one of celebration. right now that feels impossible.
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