change

nothing is going to change unless i make it so

Wishes

Someone wishes to kiss you

hold you

and make tea for you.

Someone wishes to sit with you

listening to your stories

until night becomes morning.

Someone wishes to lay with you

under the stars

on a midsummer's night.

Someone wishes to wake

early in the morning

just to make love with you.

Someone wishes to believe

in the possibilities

of loving you.

12-25-2019

the struggle

the invitation

one of my favorites:

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming
from the book The Invitation

she is woman

she is made of earth and sky

and though she may appear weak at times

one should never mistake her softness for weakness

she has been forged in fire

beaten and molded by the harshness of life

yet she has not lost her softness

instead 

those very things which have broken her heart 

and damaged her

have laid her wipe open

to a depth of love and compassion

she could not have known otherwise

though she has scars

she is not broken

she has grown from a girl

into a woman who knows herself

and revels in her feminine nature

no, do not mistake her softness

her kindness, her compassion

or her vulnerability for weakness

her nature is dualistic

she is grounded to the earth 

yet cycles with the moon

bleeding without injury

she is magic

she is the life giver

the nurturer

the maiden

the mother

the wise crone

no, do not take her lightly

she is stronger than you know

(c)s.cooper

12-19-19

fear

all day long my thoughts have leaned heavily towards all that i fear. fear of never feeling happy or fulfilled.  fear of never feeling good enough to be loved enough.  fear of losing my daughter to a horrible disease.  fear of moving out of my comfort zone. fear over my health, both mental and physical.  fear that life will not be so gracious to grant me the joy i crave and seek. 

so i pray to a higher power, acknowledging that i don't know exactly what that is.  is it my higher self?  is it god?  is it angels or spirit guides?  is it those who've passed on who are listening?  or is it no one but me?  either way i pray and i speak and with that comes a greater understanding of myself and what is going on with me.  and for awhile i find a bit of peace. 

i want to love my life and live it more fully.  i want to experience the love i feel, not just keep it bottled inside or get to the point of apathy.  i don't want to waste my days, yet i am.  and we are only given so many.  still, i cannot seem to find that which is lacking.  i cannot find how to be and be present in each day.  no, i am constantly projecting into the future and all the what ifs and possibilities and what feels like impossibilities.  i am creating a movie in my mind that is simply that, a movie, not a reality. i need to stop. 

i need to figure out how to be happy, or at least content, not from some external source but from within.  is that even possible?  have others really done that?  it seems like such a myth to me at times.  i realize that "happy" is a temporary state and that the best we can hope for is acceptance and contentment.  i'll take that with the occasional happy thrown in, please and thank you. 

they say the opposite of fear is love.  i believe that because it is when i am feeling the least loved or lovable that fear always creeps in.  i believe love does conquer fear and we are all looking for someone to love us into happy.  whether it be our self or someone else i'm not sure it matters.  i also believe that it is very often through the active love of others that we learn to love ourselves. 

those are simply my thoughts on this december night...actually morning.  i have exhausted myself with thinking the past 19 hours.  it's time for sleep now with hopes that tomorrow will result in less thought and more action.   

at 45

at 45

you have been witness to 

16,447 sunsets.

when will you be done

with playing small

when there is so much love

and so many more sunsets

awaiting you?

12/13/2009

like winter solstice

some days

if i listen to my heart

i want to be kind to myself,

to not get lost in the maze of confusion,

to do what's best and right for me.

to put the past behind me

and live more fully now.

i'm trying

but my mind is always fearful

of all the what ifs,

concerned with the future

and how that looks.

i want to step outside this fear,

to experience and trust

each moment as t comes.

i want to be free.

i want to follow my heart

and stop worrying and wondering

what all or any of it means,

to stop limiting myself,

to step out of this quagmire of confusion

and walk on solid ground,

but nothing is ever certain, is it?

no, nothing is ever certain.

there are no promises,

no guarantees,

no tomorrows,

there is only now.

i should know this well by now.

it seems the only time

i feel present, 

the only time i am truly in my heart space,

the only time i am truly happy

is when i love

and know i'm loved

 in the presence of the one i love.

without love

i am lost.

this is what my heart tells me,

what my heart cries out for;

to love and be loved.

when i ask my heart,

what do i want?

what is the purpose of it all?

what makes me feel alive?

what completes me?

it answers,

"love, only love".

12/3/2019

Growing Up a Female Baby Boomer - a Brief Account

my recent essay on Elephant Journal can be found here