thursday thoughts - need, desire, happiness

the first words out of my mouth this morning were, "i'm really sick of myself". 

sick of...

not being willing to completely accept my life as it is, living on hope of a future that may never exist, thinking that life has more to offer me at this point,  thinking i can be loved the way i want to be and love to the extent i want...thinking, thinking, thinking and realizing how unfair it would be of me to expect anything from anyone. 

life has shown me time and again that i'm on my own.  maybe i'm meant to be.  seems reasonable since every time it gives me one life, it's taken it away and i am forced to start over again.  that's no to say i haven't grown from those experiences, but...

i'm so very tired of the tears that still come all too often.  life has taught me a lot of things, broken me open, made me appreciate, feel and love more easily and deeply because i've experienced how fleeting the moments are and how quickly everything can change.  it has caused me to be be fearful as well. 

so what am i afraid of?  i'm afraid that this is all there is and all that's left and it won't get any better.  i'm afraid i'll never be loved again like i want to be loved, that i got my share and that's all i get.  i'm afraid this is my life from here on out.  and i'm afraid i'll never move past this need to matter more or this desire to want more.

so many see this strong, capable woman when they look at me.  i sometimes think they see a woman who doesn't need anything or anyone, someone that can manage quite well on her own.  i'm kind of that woman because i've had to be.  i can manage, i am strong and i have to be.  but do they see the scared and scarred creature inside me who feels lost and empty at times, the someone who needs love and reassurance and the strength of another when she feels weak?  do they see how i crave intimacy and arms to hold me and someone i can love and nurture?

i don't suppose it matters what anyone sees or even what i need.  really, does it matter?  this is life, this is my life and maybe i just have to accept it for what it is. i mean, what choice do i have?  i have tried to make it more, to find fulfillment in myself.  i have filled my days with busyness, i have learned to enjoy the freedom i have.  i'm not averse to solitude, i need it, but that does not take away from the fact that we all need more, that as humans we crave companionship and intimacy.  we are hard wired for it as a way to ensure our continued existence on the planet. we are always seeking intimate fulfillment with another whether we care to admit it or not. 

i guess the irony of it all is that i want and need what everyone on the planet wants and needs.  there is a deep seated need in me to feel complete, and without love, without my intimate companion, i feel incomplete.  that is the gist of it.  i feel incomplete.  maybe i always will and maybe i'll always struggle with that. 

---------------

as i sit here in a (now) less emotional state, contemplating what i've written and whether i should post it or not, my thoughts continue...what do i want?  i mean in detail, what the fuck do i want? 

i want to be and feel loved and adored.  i'm lucky enough to know what that feels like and i don't want to live without it. 

i want to give love and adoration.  it seems to be an essential need in me.

i want joyful moments.  as many as i can get.  i understand that happiness and joy are not perpetual. they come and go and the best one can hope for is contentment.  i'm ok with that, but to have joyful moments shared with someone you love...priceless.

i want incredible sex (as often as i want).  i don't want mediocre.  if it's not with a caring, sensual, passionate lover who wants to please and experience the best, who brings out the best in me, what's the point?

i want to know someone has my back because i'll have theirs.

i want a relationship in which all of these things exist and are nurtured.  And i want these things because to me they are the things in life that give it meaning.  

after his journey into the wild Christopher McCandless discovered that, "Happiness is only real when shared".  i have always remembered that quote because it resonates truth in me.  we can have all manner of things happen in our lives, wonderful things, accomplishments, but if we have no one to share that joy or adventure or happiness with, what meaning does it really have?  does it even matter?

11-14-2019

words of wisdom

us

when i'm with you

your arms are always open

and your lips are always ready to meet mine.

i never have to beg for attention

when i'm with you

it's safe to be me however I show up

i've put you through the test more than once

and yet you hold space for me and never run

sometimes

i'm convinced that you love me

so i cling to the hope of tomorrows

less empty of you

other times

my mind taunts my heart

telling me i'm just a gap filler

to let you experience what is lacking

do i ease the pain of your reality

so you can continue to exist in it

without having to face it

without having to choose what you want?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

sometimes I cry

because my heart is overflowing

with love and appreciation

for all you give

but sometimes I cry

because the pain of never being sure

of who or what I am to you

is too much to hold in

sometimes i wish

i had never allowed myself

to be vulnerable enough, hungry enough

to kiss your lips or submit to your touch

sometimes i wish

you were still a ghost to me

someone i'd never met

so i would never know 

what us feels like

(c)s.cooper

11-6-2019

letter to self

Dear Self,

I think you are brave even when you don't feel as if you are. You get up every day and do what has to be done. And even though you often think you're a failure that's not true at all. I've seen your determination and strength when faced with adversity, when life has knocked you for a loop. You always stand up and fight, not just for survival, but for the best possible outcome for yourself. Truth is, you've been a warrior countless times. You know why you have that phoenix tattoo, right? It's because you rise up out of the ashes every time life tries to destroy you. Yeah that's right, you're a fucking warrior goddess.

You're smart enough to ask for help when you need it but more times than not you take care of what needs taken care of on your own. Why? Because you have a need to prove to yourself you can. And by god you do.

You've cared for your drug addicted mother and tolerated an alcoholic husband's physical and emotional abuse and then helped him to get sober. When he died you chose to go on living and allowed yourself to fall in love. You've suffered through repeated bouts of depression since you were a teenager, but finally learned to accept that part of yourself and understand that when it comes it doesn't last forever. I've witnessed you weather rejection from family members for making choices that were best for you at the time. And in the end you were able to forgive and move forward, harboring no ill will.

And now you've stood on your own for over two years, making a life and starting over one more time after suffering the most devastating loss you've known. If that ain't bad ass I don't know what is. And how did you make it through? By healing yourself and your grief through writing because you knew that was a way to process your hopelessness, anger and pain. Smart, very smart. You're not just a warrior or a bad ass, you my dear are a fucking rock star. And you should feel like one, at least every now and then.

I could tell you so much more, like how you raised two extraordinary kids, but you won't ever take credit for that even though you raised them on your own for the most part.

And there's this; you've been a rock for most of the people in your life. It's just what you do because you have strength and compassion. It's not in you to be any other way.

I've watched you fight for justice and stand up for the defenseless. I've seen you get involved in social, environmental and political causes because you believe life should be fair and everyone really is equal, that the planet is our responsibility, and that it's everyone's personal responsibility, especially those in positions of power who are supposed to represent us, to help create positive change in the world. You stand up fearlessly for what is right and fair.

So girl, when you get into that self doubting mood, when you start to feel you're insignificant, or a failure, or worthless, or unlovable, I hope you'll come back to this letter as a reminder of just who you really are. I hope you realize you are worthy of love, your are brave, you are smart, kind, loving and real...about as real as they come.

Thanks for listening and now take it to heart, ok?

Love, Me

surviving vs thriving - one woman's perspective

my most recent elephant journal publication can be found here

hold on

Hold on to what is good

even if it is

a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe

even if it is

a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do

even if it is

a long way from here.

Hold on to life even when

it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand even when

I have gone away from you.

hold on to what is good - nancy wood - 1974

what magic is this?

how do you know 

to touch so feather light

causing my body to pulse

in carnal delight?

(c)s.cooper

10-28-19

i know this to be true

abject

i don't want to be
just a stop along the way
a memory to look upon
when life's in disarray

(c)s.cooper
10-27-19

wisdom of skin horse

"...once you are real you can't become unreal again. it lasts for always." -The Velveteen Rabbit

just a reminder