letter to self

Dear Self,

I think you are brave even when you don't feel as if you are. You get up every day and do what has to be done. And even though you often think you're a failure that's not true at all. I've seen your determination and strength when faced with adversity, when life has knocked you for a loop. You always stand up and fight, not just for survival, but for the best possible outcome for yourself. Truth is, you've been a warrior countless times. You know why you have that phoenix tattoo, right? It's because you rise up out of the ashes every time life tries to destroy you. Yeah that's right, you're a fucking warrior goddess.

You're smart enough to ask for help when you need it but more times than not you take care of what needs taken care of on your own. Why? Because you have a need to prove to yourself you can. And by god you do.

You've cared for your drug addicted mother and tolerated an alcoholic husband's physical and emotional abuse and then helped him to get sober. When he died you chose to go on living and allowed yourself to fall in love. You've suffered through repeated bouts of depression since you were a teenager, but finally learned to accept that part of yourself and understand that when it comes it doesn't last forever. I've witnessed you weather rejection from family members for making choices that were best for you at the time. And in the end you were able to forgive and move forward, harboring no ill will.

And now you've stood on your own for over two years, making a life and starting over one more time after suffering the most devastating loss you've known. If that ain't bad ass I don't know what is. And how did you make it through? By healing yourself and your grief through writing because you knew that was a way to process your hopelessness, anger and pain. Smart, very smart. You're not just a warrior or a bad ass, you my dear are a fucking rock star. And you should feel like one, at least every now and then.

I could tell you so much more, like how you raised two extraordinary kids, but you won't ever take credit for that even though you raised them on your own for the most part.

And there's this; you've been a rock for most of the people in your life. It's just what you do because you have strength and compassion. It's not in you to be any other way.

I've watched you fight for justice and stand up for the defenseless. I've seen you get involved in social, environmental and political causes because you believe life should be fair and everyone really is equal, that the planet is our responsibility, and that it's everyone's personal responsibility, especially those in positions of power who are supposed to represent us, to help create positive change in the world. You stand up fearlessly for what is right and fair.

So girl, when you get into that self doubting mood, when you start to feel you're insignificant, or a failure, or worthless, or unlovable, I hope you'll come back to this letter as a reminder of just who you really are. I hope you realize you are worthy of love, your are brave, you are smart, kind, loving and real...about as real as they come.

Thanks for listening and now take it to heart, ok?

Love, Me

surviving vs thriving - one woman's perspective

my most recent elephant journal publication can be found here

hold on

Hold on to what is good

even if it is

a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe

even if it is

a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do

even if it is

a long way from here.

Hold on to life even when

it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand even when

I have gone away from you.

hold on to what is good - nancy wood - 1974

what magic is this?

how do you know 

to touch so feather light

causing my body to pulse

in carnal delight?

(c)s.cooper

10-28-19

i know this to be true

abject

i don't want to be
just a stop along the way
a memory to look upon
when life's in disarray

(c)s.cooper
10-27-19

wisdom of skin horse

"...once you are real you can't become unreal again. it lasts for always." -The Velveteen Rabbit

just a reminder

sometimes i cry when we're together...

...because you get me and i get you.  we know each other on such a deep and intimate level and we seek to know and understand more.

...because I see such tenderness and love in your eyes, yet in moments of passion, the hunger.

...because you show up, remain present and allow yourself to be free and vulnerable with me.

i cry because i  feel so very loved and safe, knowing i can be vulnerable as well and that you'll never run from my tears.  instead you will remain and hold me.

i cry because the connection we feel and experience is so incredibly beautiful and real.   i feel so much that it can't be contained so it runs down my cheeks in the form of tears.

with you i let go and find myself in a mystical place where time slows and magic happens.

sometimes i cry when we're together simply because we are together.

on a country road

i can't tell you how many times i walked this road. sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the wee hours of night. sometimes to visit a neighbor, sometimes to clear my head, sometimes to simply commune with nature.

5 years ago today my daughter took this photo looking west on township road 1210 in ashland county. this is where coop and i lived (twice!) and later she lived, and where my kids were primarily raised. our house can't be seen in the photo. it was an old 2 story farm house on the right side of the road, on the curve.

it was not uncommon to see deer frolicking in the field to the left or crossing through our yard to the gully and creek behind the house. that was where they gathered for a drink of water and to rest, out of sight to passers by, yet i could always see them from my kitchen window. often i would watch a flock of wild turkey wander through or a mamma turkey leading her young ones up the road.

life has changed and changed me a lot, but so many of the memories i treasure most were made while living on this country road.

nailed it!

a note from The Captain who nails it just about every time.