a million maybes

maybe i'm hardwired for love or heartache or both.  seems to be the story of my life.
maybe i need to give it up, ya know... to stop thinking or hoping that i can have a happily ever after.  but it seems like hope is all i have at times.
maybe i want to believe in the possibility of forever, fool that i am.
maybe i'm too old to be wanting more for tomorrow, but i don't believe that.
maybe i expect too much from people in general.
maybe i think people are better than they actually are.
maybe i invest too much in others.
maybe i'm naive, gullible, foolish when it comes to matters of the heart.
maybe i should stop chasing someone whom i fear is ok with losing me.
maybe i'm too much...or just not enough.
maybe i think i matter more than i do.
maybe i fear i don't matter enough.
maybe i'm too easy and willing to please.
maybe i'm just being selfish, but it doesn't feel that way.
maybe i need to get my shit together and realize i've had all i'm going to get and this present state of being is it, so maybe i need to accept my fate, period...but i struggle with that because maybe i want more!
maybe i want to be adored because i've learned what that feels like.
maybe i give too much too freely to those i love and maybe i can't help being that way.
maybe i want passion instead of mediocrity....i know i do.
maybe i like expressing myself sexually with my lover too damn much...but how can that be?
maybe i just want too much in the long term.
maybe i'm tired of wondering where i really stand.
maybe i need a haven, a refuge, an escape instead of always being one.
maybe i shouldn't be so eager and accommodating.
maybe i should try harder to ignore my feelings, to forget love and desire and passion.
maybe i should let my world grow smaller and smaller, resigning myself to more trivial pursuits (or perhaps a monastery).
yes, maybe i should walk away from anything that even closely resembles love. but i have tried and failed.
maybe i need to stop believing that love is really all that matters, but i don't think i can because life and death have taught me otherwise.
maybe i should just stop. being. me.
maybe i would if i only knew how.