upon gaining more clarity my thoughts drifted to mark, thinking how quickly 3 years have gone by since his death. i remember leaning over his hospital bed and whispering in his ear, "if you're going to fight, then fight like hell, but if you need to let go then let go. it's ok." he finally let go after i left the room, unable to make the decision to take him off life support despite being pressured by the hospital staff to do so. i had prayed hard for him to make that choice because i simply could not.
this morning i sat with my coffee and wrote a note to thank mark for his love and the things he taught me about life and love in our brief journey together. then i folded that note and tucked it into the little glass jar that i had filled with some of his ashes. today, per his request, i will take that jar to the cemetery where his pappy is buried. if the ground is soft enough, i will dig a small hole by his grandpa's headstone and bury that note with mark's ashes. if that's not possible i will open the jar, perhaps read the note and light it afire, then scatter his ashes atop pappy's grave.
it has taken me three years to come to the point of fulfilling this promise i made to mark of placing some of his ashes with his pappy. it's the very least i can do. after all, mark made me a better person by showing me through his love, that i was more than i had believed and more worthy than i had known. i never forgot my promise to him, but it wasn't until this past week that i knew it was finally time and that i could do this. how appropriate it seems to me that this day is to be sunny and unseasonably warm, that we have set our clocks this morning to "spring ahead" knowing we can look forward with hope in the promise of renewal.
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