i have great difficulty living in the present. it's not so much living in the past as it is projecting into the future...one that feels dim to me much of the time.
the one thing i can't seem to change about myself is this - i want is a loving, intimate relationship. that's what means the most to me. to love and be loved, to feel passion, desire and adoration and to know beyond a doubt i am loved in the same way i love, fully, with body, mind and heart. maybe that's asking too much at this point in my life. but i really think if we want that there's no time or age limit. in this crazy world of mostly bullshit i believe love is the only thing that really matters. i truly believe it's what we humans are here for. it's what makes us feel alive and that life has some sort of purpose. when we find that one person that we deeply connect with and we're filled with love, it certainly makes us a better person. so i wonder, why do so many settle for mediocrity and do i have to once i've had such a deep taste and know what can be?
mark has been gone for three years and i am so ready for more than this existence. i don't mind living alone but i'm tired of being alone so much of the time and i can't seem to change that because my heart is taken by someone who's not available to me most of the time. it literally sucks wanting something or someone so badly and being in a situation that makes your feel helpless. and so you get mad, you feel insecure and rightfully so. i am at the mercy of his choices, his time and his situation.
i have been in love for a year now at least.. i didn't plan it or expect it, but it happened. i sometimes wonder what i'd be doing if we'd never connected. but we did. sometimes i wish we never would have. you see, mark raised the bar from what i knew love to be previously. after him i knew i couldn't settle for less. i let myself use and be used a couple times after he passed, but both times i ended the relationship. i realized i was compromising myself, being way too generous in accommodating others when they weren't willing to accommodate me nearly as much.
then i met HIM and he went above the bar in the way he loved and treated me. he was kind, romantic, adoring and adorable. i could see so much in his eyes. it was/is real and i know that. we connected and shared so many interests and were so like minded and still are. we get each other. we have a connection that is a bit supernatural. it feels like nothing i've ever known...it feels like destiny. and here i am again wondering, am i compromising myself again? have i given more than i should have? have i made it too easy for him to be complacent? the difference this time is how i feel about him and giving feels effortless. i would go to the ends of the earth with him and perhaps for him. but would he do the same for me? i really don't know. all i know is that i feel helpless when it comes to him. every day i want him and he is present in my thoughts and yearnings.
so what do i do? i roll with it most days, being grateful for his presence in my life and what he gives. but then due to the situation and the uncertainty of everything, i begin questioning his feelings, his motivation, his seeming complacency and i fall apart. i give him a hard time, i push the envelope, and begin feeling like i'm just a sideline novelty. none of those things are good for either one of us or this relationship and i know it. sadly i'm a person who needs reassurance, who needs to be loved. i am generally a strong woman. i don't depend on anyone for much of anything. but what i feel for him, this unending need for him has made me weak. i am not proud of that or what i have become. this aching need can make me not recognize myself at times. i tell myself i shouldn't need anyone or anything from anyone but i know damn well that's a lie. we all need someone and we all hunger for love. and if we're truly one of the fortunate, we get this once in a lifetime connection and get to live it out.
the truth is, i am fearful. afraid nothing more will come of this. afraid that one day we'll both be just a bittersweet memory of each other. i fear i won't be able to handle an ending, yet i feel when i get this way i may be pushing him away. how ironic that would be. so i feel like shit for wanting more, for being jealous of his time with "others" when time is passing way too quickly. yet i anxiously await its passing for the next time we can be together. sometimes i feel as if i must be cursed, having lost two partners to death, then finding one such as he and only having limited access.
i know he has fears as well...my age is a factor i'm sure, and more importantly, giving up people and things he loves if he chooses to strike out and become more available to this relationship. i wonder if i'll spend my life wondering, hoping and waiting to see, and if he'll spend his life wondering what might have been. in the meantime i wonder if once again, i am compromising myself, making it too easy for him to not make any decision but to continue as is until one of us grows tired of it all, which may never happen. i can't imagine tiring of the look in his eyes or the way he makes love to me. i can't imagine losing the need for his attention and desire for me. i have tried unsuccessfully to end it more than once and that effort has damn near destroyed me. perhaps unknowingly i prefer a slower death.
this is my problem...i can see how i depend on love to bring meaning and joy to my life, to make it all seem worthwhile. but is that really the problem? no. the problem is the situation that prevents our love from being fully realized. and this, this is not just any love. it's this crazy love that goes beyond anything i've ever known. i guess if anything is going to mess you up, loving someone so much could do it. but can you really love too much? i don't know.
all i know is the intensity of my feelings and how i adore him and that i have rambled on enough. it is 3am and maybe now i can sleep. it has been a long, hard night and i hate feeling like such a wreck. i hate that i have emailed him countless times and probably made things worse.
i wish i could feel content, satisfied and not want for more. i try, successfully at times, to take one day at a time. i understand none of us can predict the future or an outcome. but most of the time we can plan what direction we want to go in. in this i can't. it's not up to me. i am powerless and that often leaves me feeling insecure and hopeless and worse, questioning my own worth. i am a woman of strength, damn it, so how can i be feel so emotionally weak and vulnerable when it comes to this man and my feelings for him?
i pray for an interval from this quagmire of self critical feelings and thoughts, of insecurity and hopelessness. i pray for sleep...forever wouldn't be long enough when i feel so sad and unsure of anything. i am sick and he is the cure.
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